I went to my IMVU presentation, and the memories striked me. i was once happy, even on IMVU... the happiness became bigger, and better, but what happend then?... Remember the days we were on IMVU?... even when we moved on to MSN?... what went wrong? What did I do?... it's been to long ago now, what did I do so wrong :(
Why can't anything go as I want it to go. Instead I am thinking about if a future me, will come visit me, telling me that I will have an accident soon, and wont survive. Then ask me, if I want to stop that from happening.
Would I really stop it?... I don't think I would, but with my luck I would survive... and just live on and on and on.

I ruin everything and everyone. None stays with me, no wonder I don't have friends. I was actually thinking about this today. Why don't I have friends?...

When I was little, before schooltime started... I had a lot of friends. Well I live in a small village, been living here whole my life. When I was little, we all youngsters hang around. Years passed, school started, people changed... I changed into a shy kid, meanwhile others envolved in more social kids... so more years passed by, and I lost more and more friends.
Then some more years went, I ended up basicly almost alone, now I only had one friend left.... I made 3 new friends, which faded away later on anyway.
Back to the present, I have one last friend, that I can truly call a friend. Even though we barely talk, barely see eachother, I can call him a friend.
What happend? Why did I just lose more and more friends? Was it me? Was it them? Whatever the cause have been, I blame myself for everything...

IMVU gave me a bit of life back, new friends, even though online. They faded away as well... my friends on MSN fade away as well... give it 2 - 3 more years, and none will talk to me, not even on MSN.

So all I can do is remember what I had. I was happy sometimes. The happiest day of my lifes were not many, but they were. I dont know what happend, I neither want to say any further details about it. I dont know what happend, we just stopped talk often, we didn't meet, we just faded away....

Kyo, you always refer yourself to as not a god, nor a human... what does that mean? Really? What do he (I) mean about it. I'll let someone else try to answer that question... try your best to solve it.

That's how I feel as well!

So before you all go "Huh, wtf do you mean?"... I will explain!
Whenever Mr. A. Bundy thinks it can't get worse, and yet it really gets worse, he say "That's a good one God!"... like in thank you for making my life to a living hell! :)
So, that's how I feel sometimes. Not that I could possibly have it like Al, I mean come on.
Al is married with a wife that hates him and steal all his money. 2 kids that hates him, and whom steal his money as well. A horrible job, that he hates. However, that isn't the worse part, since if Al wouldn't got married, he would have a big chance to become a Pro American Football player. So his life is really sad, yet he keeps on living.
That really impress me, how someone can live like that! ( I know, it's just a TV serie, but still).



So, even though I don't have that kind of life. My life isn't that happy either. I can all blame it on me, I know.
However, people doesn't change that easy, and I think I need someone that can push me into changing myself. I can't no longer do it on my own. I have hit rock bottom.
Anyway, I tried to practice Melbourne Shuffle a bit yesterday, came to the fact that it is extremly hard! It will take me at least one year to get the basics done.
I try to change, I really do. I try to become a new me, a more brave me. This dance is just step 1. I am allready failing that, I really would need someone that can help me out of this hell, someone would like to call life.
I have always claimed that even though I breath, it doesn't really need to mean that I live.
Whatever you may think, I am trying... just that I never succeed. So I always end up on my blog, typing depressive stuff. Since that's my life. It really is, until someone will be brave enough to help me, since we all know that I am not good on making the first step. Not even asking if someone would want to watch a movie, or just hang out somewhere. I guess that's why I can't really say that I have friends. Since I never am with them, more that talking to them on msn, or see some of them in school. I never do anything with them on my freetime, why?
Because they never ask me, and I never ask them. Simple, yet complicated...

My life is perfect in my dreams, then I wake up and see Al Bundy standing there, saying "Yep, life is good, isn't it Kid?"
I can feel his sarcasm, and answer quietly: "Indeed, life is good."
Then we sit down, look at eachother with a fake smile on our faces, and then we do what every man / woman would do... cry!

I was really bored today, so I thought, hey why not just have fun on photoshop. I picked a photo of me, which btw was poorly taken to much light on it, and edited it :D
Here are some end results:

I just saw "Windstruck", an amazing Korean movie. It was heart breaking, I must say. I really cried, tried to hold back the tears, but couldn't. I cried like a little baby who dropped his/her icecream on the ground.
For further information about the movie click here: CLICK!!
I am really touched, deep down in my heart... where all the emptiness is. I am trully crying  there. All day, every day.

This made me think. About relationships, how easy the little dream about eternal love can break into million pieces. One day your happy, the next day your trying to commit suicide. Since how can you find someone else, if you cant let go of the past?... Only the brave can, and only the brave ones survives.

I thought I had gone cold, but the movie made me realise how soft I am. I thought I gone cold, since nothing really mattered anymore, I just saw death in my eyes, I saw a waiting for death. However this movie, made me realise that I am soft inside of me, that I am yet not ready for death, even if I dont fear it. I am still in the hard reality called "Life" struggling for my life as a stake. Trying to break the curse of life, and trying to find the happiness life can offer.

Somewhere out there, is someone waiting for me, I might someday find that person, or not, It's up to us and fate. Even though we never meet, I wish, that I could get a sign. Like the wind, carrying me away, making me feel like I am flying to you. The feeling of freedom, of happiness.
So if only I can feel you, even as the wind! It could give me my happiness, or it could give me a step to a new life.

That's the problem... it's only me, myself and I... none else. What more can I say, if you didn't allready get it. This is not about selfishness. This is about loneliness, I didn't choose to live my life with only me, myself and I.
It's not a life I recommend, neither would want to choose to live, if only I could choose to live differently.
The problem is though, what you wrote in my last post, fear...
Today have sucked, like yesterday, and day before that... and it goes on... none to talk to, none to be with, none to share your life with.
I am on my last strengths of surviving this life.
I need someone that can rescue me from my own Doom, since I have soon no strength to fight it back anymore.

Hundreds of ways to go, only one is the right one. It can take you days, weeks, months, even years to find the right way out. 

Fear can have many appearances; it can be fear of height, fear of death, even fear of living.
We live, we fear, we love, we hate. The paths we choose, will form our future. The future we have choosen, but maybe don't want. The future we created, which we later on want to change.

So, what does Fear have to do with our future? It can be everything, it can be nothing! Depends on how our fear limits our choices, limits our way of living. I once heard, people fear, because they are scared, what are they scared of? 
Dying?... yes, people fear death, not all, but many. All fear are based on death. You can be scared of a spider? Why?
What can a spider do? It can be poisoned? It can bite? It can kill you?... we fear death, we limit ourselves.
Fear is a cruel game of life, it will do anything to scare you, it will do anything to harm you, you can only run around until you find the right way out. You can only keep on going until you give up, or win.

What is my fear? I got so many, it would fill a whole page. Mostly my biggest fear is ending up alone.
What am I now? Alone! What can I do? Fear it! What should I do? Find the right path! To do so, I need to accept the challenge, I need to overcome the fear, join the world, go out and smile, show my face to others. THat's the only way to overcome that fear.

How do people overcome their fear, by challenging it! They find the true and only way out. Meet your own fear, and beat it!

This year, 2008, I am going to start limiting my life. I need to dare to do things, those different types of fear I got, I need to challenge them, and only then can I be sure that I live.

My fear, my destiny, my future!

Allright, one of my friends, Dennis (http://liner.blogg.se). So what can I type here, in my little blog. Right now, I can't think of anything to say. My life have been a pure mess. This Christmas vaccation have I been constantly home. No one to visit, no one to be with. It affects me, like it always does. Not to speak of New Years Eve. I hate that day!
It reminds me of how big of a loser I really am, how many happy things I could of done, but didn't do anything. Since I were, and still am, to affraid to go alone anywhere, and since I have no friends to go with, then I don't really go anywhere either.

So what is there to learn from 2007, in fact, what is there to learn from the past 6 years... to dear to do anything you like?
What if I went to a point, where I dont like anything?... I maybe confuse you all, as it seem, I myself, am little confused what this all means.
One thing is though sure, I need to start living.
One of my friends said "Kyo, this year will be a good year!". I hope he's right, I hope I can get affected by the optimistic aura that is circulating around him,

Well to end this really quickly, I just want to say:
2008, NOW or never!